Reflections
by wolfdrum
Summary: This piece hopes to delve into the personal feelings and musings of both Harry and Ruth. It will be told in the first person, with each person's reflections clearly indicated. The story will probably become AU at some point.
1. Chapter 1

**Reflections**

(Harry) I'm not one to put much stock in or spend much time on reflecting on personal feelings or personal relationships outside those required by my work. However, since Ruth Evershed has entered into my sphere of existence, I have found myself drawn to such reflections.

My work is my life and in my work I am comfortable. I am given information and make decisions. People's lives depend on me being decisive. There is no allowance for waffling or considering feelings. Then the whirlwind who is Ruth Evershed joined our team on the Grid and things changed and there were times I wondered if the change was good or bad. It is this wondering that has led to my beginning to reflect.

 _(Ruth) I have finally been able to realize a dream of mine and even though it is only a secondment to MI-5, I made it. I'm really here and I plan to do my absolute best. Maybe it will be good enough so I'll be able to stay on once they see what I can do. My interview was only two weeks ago and waiting to hear whether or not I got the job were some of the longest days of my working life._

 _The interview, yes the interview. I know it wasn't an interrogation but it sure felt like it sometimes. Never have I been in an interview like that…questions coming at me one right after the other by the Head of Section D himself, Harry Pearce. I felt that either he was trying to catch me out or trying to get me so confused that I made a fool of myself. In fact, at one point I asked him was he trying to confuse me or was he confused himself. I suppose no one has asked him that before because I think I surprised him._

(Harry) I hate interviewing potential members to our team on the grid. HR ploughs through all of the applicants, gives me a few CV's to look over and I then pick the ones I want to interview. It's a cumbersome process but at least I don't have to go through _ALL_ the CV's. If I don't like what I'm given, I tell HR to go try again.

Ruth's CV is very impressive. She speaks multiple languages, did extremely well in her university classes and was immediately hired at GCHQ. While there she received outstanding evaluations from her supervisors and was quickly given more challenging information to analyze. She came to the interview with glowing recommendations from her GCHQ supervisors. She looked a little too perfect on paper.

During her interview I peppered Ruth with questions, one right after the other and she gave her answers, one right after the other. And good answers too. She even called me out asking me if I was trying to confuse her or couldn't I keep up.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Somewhere while trying to upload chapter one I lost some text in the here's-what-this-story's-about section. This story begins just before Ruth arrives on the Grid in series 2. We'll have to wait and see how long I can keep this up. I forgot to say this before…all characters belong to Kudos. I am so very disappointed they aren't mine.**

 **Many thanks to all of you who have read the beginning of this story and reviewed. Your comments have been very kind and encouraging.**

 _(Ruth) My first day on the Grid and even though I planned to arrive 15 minutes early, I arrived 15 minutes late. Then I made a somewhat "grand entrance" into the meeting room by dropping the all files I had in my arms. I was SO embarrassed. They didn't even know I was coming (except Harry; who, by the way, looked_ _ **so**_ _devastatingly handsome in his suit vest, braces and cufflinks). And then he had to add to my embarrassment about being late with that inane joke that I "was the intelligence analyst so I should know." Cheeky. I just hope that my face wasn't too red._

 _So…by the end of my first day I: (1) was late to work, (2) dropped my files as I entered the meeting room, (3) spoke too soon by suggesting to "close the place down", (4) shared my thoughts on the Home Office with "Bugger the Home Office" and (5) did a wild and crazy dance with my desk lamp. My co-workers must think I'm either an idiot or a clumsy fool. I certainly hope the rest of my week improves as I can already see that I will really like working here. I like the work, my colleagues and my boss and I believe that I can make meaningful contributions to the work of the team._

(Harry) Ruth arrived for her first day on the Grid, late I must say, within a flurry of files and with great enthusiasm.

The rest of the team didn't know she was coming (I forgot to tell them) and I saw a few raised eyebrows when she entered the meeting room. There were questioning faces pointed towards me when the meeting was over and she left the room seemingly asking "Is she for real?" I told the rest of the team to give her a chance as she was quite intelligent and talented. They looked back at me like I'd lost the plot but said nothing. By the end of the day, Danny approached me to ask if she really was supposed to be here as she had attempted to karate chop her desk lamp, cursing the poor thing. Only Ruth could use the word "thing" as a curse.

Yes, Ruth is somewhat of a breath of fresh air and so, so eager to please. I want to tell her to try to relax but I'd best keep my distance for now; after all, she's so new to everyone here. I can already see that she really is a beautiful woman in so many ways. But I can't think about that as it will only lead to trouble. And…I know she has been sent here as a plant to spy for GCHQ.

 _(Ruth) I was so excited that I was able to hack into the French Security Service to find out more about the Algerian agent who showed up at Scotland Yard. I think Harry was impressed as well as Tom, Danny and Zoe. In fact, I think all of them were shocked that I could do that. A lot of people make that mistake about me and don't really see who I am. But then I don't share much of myself either._

 _I hope GCHQ doesn't ask me for information because I like it here and don't want to betray the team._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N This chapter skirts into the M category for some colorful language. Sorry that I still don't own the characters. Kudos does.**

 **Many thanks to all of you readers and reviewers. Special thanks to R4ven3 and Sherlock1921 who have been especially encouraging and helpful in their guidance.**

 _(Ruth) I shouldn't have been surprised but there was a hacking attempt on the grid's mainframe earlier. Needless to say, Harry was really pissed off when the lights started flashing and a racket loud enough to wake the dead began assaulting our ears. Pissed-off Harry is something to behold…he strides out of his the office with an angry look on his face and demands, not asks, demands answers. Woe be unto anyone of us who asks a stupid question or makes a stupid remark. What is somewhat curious to watch is how he quickly he reins in (or at least attempts to rein in) his anger. I've seen him do it more than once since I've been here and anyone trying to suppress their emotions like Harry does is going to make themselves ill._

 _I felt like I was being dismissed from the team meeting after Harry accused me of being inflammatory in one remark and Tom said I was misquoting Harry about rape versus grope. Harry told me to go work on the Homeric quote and I felt like a schoolgirl being sent from the room to let the adults talk. Well, I came through in the end, didn't I? I put all of the puzzle pieces together and showed them what the incursion was about. Done, dusted._

(Harry) Ruth did very well on this op. She really cares about the team and the work we do and that care showed itself in the passion she displayed concerning whoever was trying to "…take us down." She impressed me too when she stood up to Tom. I felt bad sending her out of the team meeting to work on the Homeric quote as I could tell she was embarrassed.

When Ruth is given a task, especially when it concerns some obscure quote, she is determined to squeeze every nuance and meaning out of the text and she did that and more. It was her knowledge of the classics that led her to the recording of a failed op and she was able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, leading us to the culprit behind the electronic incursion into the grid. She's only been here a few weeks but already I can see we can't do without her.

 _(Ruth) Danny was sent undercover into an old family bank today to try and find out about a quite large amount of stolen government funds. The team was not thrilled about doing this op but it is felt that government is hiding something and Harry wants to find out what it is. I gave Danny a quick course on being a trader and he did really well. I just hope I've encrypted my emails to Amanda Roker well enough. I hate having to send the government information on our work here but it was a condition of me getting my transfer here._

(Harry) We have a leak in this department. Amanda Roker has learned that we have an agent undercover in the bank and she wants our agent out. Now. I've talked to Tom and he is going to find the leak. I will not be surprised if it is Ruth Evershed.

 _(Ruth) Shit! My encryption wasn't as good as I thought and Tom found out_ _ **and**_ _he told Harry. Shit! Tom has given me a second chance and I am determined to show him that I am worth it. I hope to god that I haven't ruined my chance here. After a lot of digging I did find out that Maxi Baxter is a fake…with a fake birth certificate and a fake passport and this led to the discovery that Maxi is the daughter of a Russian mobster. These findings, I think, reminded both Tom and Harry of what I can add to the team. My role as a double agent is now over. I will not, will_ _ **not**_ _, ruin my chances of staying in MI-5!_

(Harry) Ruth is the leak and I'm very disappointed in her and for the fact that she didn't come to me about being required to tell information to that Roker woman. I could have helped her. I wish she knew she can come to me with **any** concerns she has and I will be glad to try to help her. She is such a wonderful woman.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N This chapter strays into M territory for language.**

 **Still don't own the characters—Kudos does. Shame**

(Harry) The dreaded EERIE exercise was yesterday and I must say that Tom Quinn did a bloody good job keeping things together. I think he learned, in a very profound way, how lonely and hard it is to be a leader and have to make decisions based on protocol, not the heart. I'm beginning to realize that having to make those kinds of decisions year after year begins to eat at one's soul. It's beginning to eat at mine. And I don't know what to do.

Before Ruth came on the scene, I really didn't care about anyone in a personal manner. Oh, I care about "the greater good" and Britain's citizenry in a sort of high-minded way but individuals, not so much. I love my children, of course…although a lot of good that does me. I haven't seen either one of them for years. I care for my team but as colleagues. It's too painful to do otherwise because one or more of them could be gone in a minute—dead or something else—never to return. It has already happened too often and I cannot open myself up to that kind of pain. It's just too hard. Too, too hard.

Ruth innocently thought that the exercise was going to be fun. She learned otherwise quite quickly when Tom discovered that it was VX gas that had been released in the city and she could hardly speak about it at the team meeting. I thought she was going to cry.

That woman has such a pure, loving heart and she works here, on the grid, where we see all kinds of evil everyday. I don't understand how she comes into work day after day; but then she cares and she cares about not just her work colleagues but the unknown masses as well. I didn't expect her to come into my office once the exercise was in full swing but she did and she looked shocked when she saw me with the symptoms of VX poisoning. She went and got Tom and then Tom dismissed her from my office. I couldn't exactly tell what emotion was displayed on her face but she looked like she didn't want to leave.

Then she called me a bastard when it was clear the exercise wasn't real.

 _(Ruth) The thought that there might be something new and exciting to do yesterday, something other than the ordinary tasks I have to do, was going to be fun. That thought disappeared rapidly when we realized that everything happening seemed to be real. VX gas, my god! What horror! I couldn't even hold it together enough to tell the team the details about VX—Sam had to step in for me. There would have been so many deaths, so many deaths; deaths on a scale commensurate with an exploded nuclear weapon. How can anyone even think of doing something like that?_

 _And then, I went into Harry's office and saw him talking to himself, reciting nonsense and looking like he was in pain. Something was very, very wrong so I got Tom to come and see. Tom dismissed me right away but I knew something is not right with Harry and I so, so scared that he had been infected. I thought about what it would be like to lose him and it was awful, just awful. I don't know where that depth of feeling came from but it was there. I'm afraid I'm falling for my boss and I don't know what to do. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do._

 _When we all finally realized that the exercise was just that, an exercise, Harry comes out of his office with that smirk on his face. Looking like that after all that we have gone though while he was in his office pretending to be dying; I could have killed him myself. Bastard._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Thanks to all of you reading this story and especially to those who have taken the time to write a review.**

(Harry) What a nightmare! I really didn't, don't and won't like working with the Americans. In fact, it was not working **with** the Americans; it was working **for** the Americans. It seemed, to me anyway, that they really relished throwing their weight around and I'd have loved to been able to speak my mind, arrogant arseholes. I loved how Ruth called them out with their American-speak: L-Z, cowpuncher, bushwhacker; oh, what the hell!

 _(Ruth) My god, those people! L-Z, cowpuncher, flotus, potus. Why don't they just say what they mean? I was really glad that Harry didn't give me a reprimand for my comment in that meeting. I was just so stressed about the spilled tea in the Americans' diplomatic crate. Malcolm and I worked for hours getting those documents back in pristine condition. Good result though…we found out the Americans are demanding restitution directly from the Libyans for the Lockerbie bombing; without letting the British government know and without restitution for UK victims. I was very pleased that Harry took my analysis about the GCHQ traffic regarding the Libyans so seriously. I think he is starting to see what I can offer the team here and that makes my heart very, very happy._

(Harry) We completed another experience with the Americans and it is now one for the I'm-glad-that's-over book. They drive me mad. Ruth continues to amaze with her information though. She made connections about the GCHQ traffic that the rest of us didn't.

* * *

(Harry) This past week has been dreadful. A group of young thieves broke into my house and stole the Firestorm codes. I had to go to my team and ask them to wait a few hours to report the loss while we all tried to figure out a way to get the codes back, thus saving my job. In the end it was a teenage boy with a photographic memory who saved the codes and my arse. I was grateful to him and the team for the success of this operation although I heard rumblings from Zoe and Ruth about how wrong this was-using a teenager. And morally it was wrong; we never should use children to do our work but our backs (and especially mine) were against the wall, so to speak. I really hate some of the decisions I have to make and I could see the disappointment in Ruth's eyes when I made this one. It made me feel awful to see her look at me that way. Wait a minute. I shouldn't care what she thinks but I do, I do. God help me.

 _(Ruth) Harry lost the Firestorm codes. He lost them! All because he took work home when we are_ _ **never, ever**_ _supposed to do that and…and he asked the rest of us to refrain from reporting the loss and help him get the codes back, putting all of our jobs in jeopardy if we failed. It took a teenager with an eidetic memory to save the codes, allowing Harry and the rest of us live to fight another day. I was so disillusioned in Harry that he allowed us to use this boy, and he was a boy. What would he do if it were his own boy? I thought more of him than that but again; I don't know all the facts so I probably shouldn't judge him._


	6. Chapter 6

(Harry) Tom's undercover operation was a mixed success. We stopped Major Curtis, so that part was successful but at what cost? I had to give the kill order and a decorated British officer was shot dead-on my order. No one else was responsible for his death; just me and I'm finding it harder to make those choices. Even though Ruth looked stoic, I could feel her horror as she watched that man shot dead. What must she think of me now?

The team had a surprise birthday party for me on the grid after the close of the op and Tom asked me for a chat. We argued about the kill order—who gave it and why. I warned him that he got too close to the subject and that there was no room for personal feelings in this job. He argued back saying that "yes, I have personal feelings" to which I responded, "well, bury them!" Do I really believe that there is no place in this job for personal feelings? I used to think that. Now, I'm not so sure.

 _(Ruth) I thought that Zoe did a good job taking Tom's place running the operation. I hated the outcome though. I hate it when anyone loses their life even though it seemed like Major Curtis was going to blow the oil depositories. To actually see him being shot was horrible and I don't know how Harry sleeps at night. Then maybe Harry doesn't sleep well. How can he make those decisions for so many years and not have it make him dead inside? I don't think I could do it really, could I?_

* * *

 _(Ruth) Trying to stop a Columbian drug cartel and find their armory proved to be a dreadful experience for all of us this week. Tom and Zoe were able to befriend the girlfriend of the cartel's leader and got some useful intelligence but at a horrible price. The young woman died because she became entangled in our world and we were unable to protect her. We should have been able to protect her but bloody Tessa Phillips told the chairman of Petcal oil that the woman was giving MI-5 information. We knew that there was a leak in our section and had a difficult time finding out who it was; turns out it was Sam, acquired as a sleeper asset during her MI-5 training by Tessa herself. Harry was livid. There is definitely some very bad blood between Harry and Tessa, that much is clear, but I don't know why they hate each other so much. I certainly don't want to ever be on the receiving end of Harry's anger. His words can cut as deep as knife when he's really pissed. Harry chewed out Tom at the end of the operation too saying he didn't like what he was seeing happening in Tom. To tell the truth, I don't either. Something is not right with him._

(Harry) I absolutely hate it when we have to use innocent people to our own ends, mostly because they are the ones who usually end up getting hurt or worse. That happened here. Tom told us that when Rafa found out his girlfriend was giving information to us, he stabbed her in such a way that she slowly bled to death. I feel horrible. And what makes it even worse is that the information about the girl was leaked from the office by one of our own—Sam. Sometimes I wonder if that girl has 2 brain cells to rub together, taken in by the witch Tessa during training. Stupid, stupid girl. Topping it all off, Tom challenged me in a team meeting after the op was over. I know the death of the girl was a less than satisfactory outcome of using her. I know that. The fact the Petcal chairman gets off without a blemish because he has friends in high places of the British government is horrendous too. This is our job and much of the time it skirts over the immoral line and I hate that but I have to move on and so does Tom. I do not like what I'm seeing in him. Something is not right with him.


	7. Chapter 7

(Harry) I knew something was up when I caught Tom, Zoe and Danny having a whispered but animated conversation, that was confirmed when they told me blatant lie about the topic. Sometimes I think that those three do not give me the credit due me, as I always know what is happening on the grid—always. Something was not right, I intended to find out what it was and find out, I did. Tom was convinced that it was necessary to ferret out an American assassin here to kill a British national and tried to do it behind my back.

 _(Ruth) Zoe, Danny and Tom were whispering among themselves_ _about something, about what I couldn't hear, but Harry was onto them right away. That man misses absolutely nothing that happens on the grid, nothing! We all would do ourselves well if we could take a trick from the observation book from him._

(Harry) I thought Tom was on the blink and Ruth confirmed it when she told me Tom had been following a dead man, a gangster who was found dead in America three days ago. I told her to follow me and we went to the river to talk. The Thames sooths me when I am rattled, always. I was pretty sure that Ruth didn't know what to think when I said to follow me but once we sat down, I watched her slowly relax in my presence. That's when I dropped my bombshell that I thought Tom had gone rogue to which she didn't agree at first. After further explanation on my part, she agreed to stand by me and I can't say how much I was relieved that she would. I'm beginning to trust her and while it feels right to me at the moment, I wonder if it will present a problem in the future.

 _(Ruth) Harry told me to follow him outside to the river after I told him that Tom had been pursuing a man who was found dead in American three days earlier. Harry said that Tom was on the blink and he was going to issue an arrest warrant for Tom. I didn't believe that about his brightest and best until Harry explained himself some more. When he asked me to stand by him, how could say 'no'? He needed my support and I gave it to him. I was convinced that he was beginning to trust me and I couldn't have been happier-in fact, I was elated! That happiness didn't last though; Tom shot Harry later that day. Tom shot him!_

(Harry) Tom disappeared and there was evidence that he killed the Chief of Defence. When Tom called the grid and talked to Zoe, Danny and I were listening in. Tom swore to Zoe that he did not shoot that man but the evidence said otherwise so I got on the phone with him and encouraged him to come in to Thames House. He refused and told us to come to him, without any CO19 support, or he would disappear for good. I made arrangements for CO19 to be on stand-by five minutes away from the meeting place so that Zoe, Danny and I could try to talk Tom into turning himself in. It didn't work and when I pressed the button on the signal device, Tom shot me in the shoulder with a shotgun. The physical pain was awful but so was the thought that a trusted colleague of mine had actually pulled the trigger. That was my last dreadful thought before I lost consciousness.


	8. Chapter 8

_(Ruth)_ _Danny called in to the grid to tell us that Harry had been shot and was airlifted to hospital. Tom shot him. Tom_ _ **shot**_ _him! I was devastated, horrified and…and I couldn't believe it! I was sobbing so hard that Malcolm came over to offer some support but I still couldn't stop crying. Well, everyone surely knows how I feel about Harry now, don't they? My god, I work for the security services—spies—and spies don't show their emotions, do they, you stupid,_ _ **stupid**_ _woman! It's not like we're together or anything, is it?_

Ah, but you wish you were, don't you? Be honest now, you wish you were, don't you?

 _Why should I lose all self-control over my boss? What must they all think of me now?_

(Harry) I still couldn't believe that Tom would do that. Shot me with bloody shotgun. I woke up briefly in the helicopter and was told later that I was fighting with the medical personnel, trying to get back to work. How bloody stupid was that?

Later I woke in hospital from the intense pain in my shoulder and it was **so** intense that I swallowed my pride and rang for the nurse to get more pain medication. She told me I should consider myself lucky. "How do you figure that?" I said. "Because it was birdshot, not buckshot" she said. "Otherwise, at best, you would possibly have lost half of your shoulder; at worst, you would be dead. Now you just be a good boy and rest."

Good **boy**? Good boy? My arse!

That painkiller the nurse gave me did help with the pain and facilitated some wonderful dreams. I dreamed that Ruth was sitting by my bedside, holding my hand, worried about me. She smiled at me when I opened my eyes but could see the concern and worry in those gorgeous blue eyes of hers and...something else. What the hell! I knew that that really **was** a dream. Why would she ever look at me twice? Get a grip, Pearce!

 _(Ruth) Special Branch and Oliver Mace showed their ugly faces and stormed the grid. Then that bloody man suspended all of us. I tried to see Harry in hospital, to see for myself that he was going to be OK, as we hadn't had any word at all on how he was doing before we were all thrown off the grid. Unfortunately, someone had him in a locked room and they wouldn't let me in to see him. I had to try to get a message to him via a nurse. At first she didn't want to give him my message but I threw her a story about him being by boss and I was in love with him and I was carrying his child. Not too bad for thinking on one's feet and not too far from the truth except for the child. How I wish. God, I wish._

 _Harry got my Morse-Coded message about the compromised grid and released himself from hospital but when we saw him, it was very obvious he was in a lot of pain. I didn't mean for him to come to work when I sent that message, stupid man. He had no business being on the grid and I told him so. I was really worried about him but unfortunately, he didn't agree with me and told_ _ **me**_ _so. Why can't that man think of himself for once? Stubborn man._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N I've recently realized that by going at this pace, I'll still be writing this story much too far into the future. So, I'm going to attempt to move things along more quickly and will very probably not stick to canon.**

(Harry) I probably shouldn't have been so short with Ruth today. The poor woman was just trying to be kind but I am so unused to having anyone care about me the way she seems to care. I should probably apologize to her if only she didn't get so flustered when I speak to her about anything other than work. No, best just let it go.

 _(Ruth) Well, I stuck my foot in it and should have kept my mouth shut._ _I don't think I've been this embarrassed since I dropped the files in my first team meeting on the grid. I was just trying to show some care and concern (which most people would like to have shown to them, I might add!) but bloody I'm-invincible-so-don't-tell-me-what-to-do Harry took it the wrong way. Infuriating man._

 _It's been a few days since I've had the time to write here. The days have flown by and now that I've finally arrived home and had a chance to catch up on my sleep, I'd have a chance to write down some random thoughts._

 _Tom's gone from the service. I suppose that none of us should have been surprised; after all, he did shoot Harry and wasn't really right even after it was proven he was set up by the Joyces. And then Harry went on with that cricket analogy. Senior pro? What the hell does that mean? I'm not 'senior' anything. Adam is now in charge and I must say, it is a welcome change. Adam seems to know how best to treat his team._

 _Danny was really distressed that he wasn't able to protect Harakat. We thought we had the assassin under surveillance but we had the wrong guy so Harakat was shot and killed. I'm just so glad Danny wasn't shot too. He's a friend and becoming a good friend. This operation was the first time I have seen Level One, Counter-surveillance in action. Impressive. Harry played a direct part too when he used his authority to manipulate the tube running on schedule. I bet that sticking one over on Oliver Mace probably made his day. There is a lot of bad blood between those men and I fear what the future may hold. Harry doesn't like Mace; Mace doesn't like Harry. Harry is an honorable, brave man; Mace is an evil, devious one._

(Harry) Tom's gone from the service and on one level, I was sorry to see him go but on another level, I didn't trust or know him anymore. Adam stepped in and right now he seems to be doing well. I think I frustrated Ruth with my cricket analogy but I thought it was pretty good. I did call her one my 'senior pros' so why would she take exception to that? Doesn't she know that this team would flounder without her presence and input? I'm depending more and more on her too. She really is a such wonderful woman.

Danny was upset about Harakat but there was probably nothing more he could have done. He shouldn't have taken Harakat to the pitch but we had the wrong guy under surveillance so it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. Shit! Sometimes I wonder why I do the work we do when it is our own side that is causing such mayhem and Oliver Mace at the bottom of it. That man is such a slimy, power-hungry bastard who cannot be trusted and who would sell his own mother down the river if he could reap any benefit from it.

Ruth has been entering more and more of my thoughts when I'm home and I'm not really sure why. I think that it may be because she is so unusual in so many ways. Maybe sometime in the future I should list them and see if that clarifies anything. I don't know. Right now I'm tired and I want a drink.


	10. Chapter 10

**Here you go everyone…a long chapter (by my standards anyway). Thank you very much for the reviews.**

 _(Ruth) God! I'm so very glad that November Committee op is over! We had absolutely no idea that Harry's daughter Catherine was involved until the team brought her up in a team meeting and Harry confessed she was his daughter. It was so difficult to watch the pain fleet across his face although I'm sure the others didn't see it; but I did. He has been my study for so long that I am beginning to notice every nuance of his features and I noticed his pain. He even rounded on me at one point during the team meeting saying that there was "…always something else…" where I was concerned. Well, I thought "Yes, Harry. There is 'something else.' And that 'something else' is my concern for you, you idiot man!" He was so stressed, going on about 'having to protect her.' He was way too much personally involved in the operation; so much so that Adam had to step in. I didn't know the story of his relationship with his daughter but I was pretty sure that it is not the best._

 _The next day Danny told me that after having asked Catherine about her family, she said Harry was dead. Danny was wearing a wire and Harry heard it all. That poor man. I so wanted to go to him but I was afraid that he would not welcome my concern so I let that thought pass. If he was ever to give me one little sign that he thinks that I am more than an employee, I would definitely offer my concern. Right now I feel he is very alone._

(Harry) I never, ever thought Catherine would be involved in the November Committee operation. In fact, I was shocked. I didn't even know she was back in the UK. I was so very scared for her, especially when we didn't know how she was involved. The team had no clue as to who she was because she had taken her mother's name and I must admit, that the knowledge of her changing her name really hurt. I know I was a crap father but changing her name really, really hurt. And then Ruth had to say to me that there was 'something else.' I never should have responded to her in the way I did and I'm sure that I owe her an apology for my behavior. I was just very, very sacred for my daughter. Adam was right—I was too compromised in this op. That's why I had Danny go undercover.

I think I made a big mistake having him wear a wire. Well, maybe not wearing the wire but me listening in was a mistake. Catherine told him that I was dead. Catherine told him I was **dead**. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body! Ruth also heard the feed from Danny's coms and at one point I thought she wanted to say something to me but she didn't. She sometimes looks at me with such care and concern and I don't know why she would. My feelings for her are different from what I feel for the others on the grid but I don't really know why she would feel anything special for me.

(Harry) Zoe is gone. Not 'dead' gone thankfully, but gone nonetheless and through no fault of her own. Another instance of politicians not living up to their promises and she is the one to suffer for it. And then we almost lost Ruth. I cannot believe I didn't follow-up on her absence and took Sam's message that she was ill as the truth. If it hadn't been for Danny calling me out, I don't know what I would have done. God! She could have died and it would have been my fault! **My** fault!

Danny had taken her home after she was medically checked out and was with her when I called by her place later that afternoon. Danny said she was sleeping so of course I told him not to get her up. I just wanted to make sure that she was OK. I think he was a little curious as to why I kept asking him questions about her physical and emotional state. I encouraged him to stay with her in case she had any nightmares and he agreed to do it. When I left her home, I was so very grateful that she was still here and so very sad that I was not the one taking care of her that night.

 _(Ruth) We all still miss Zoe but no one more than Danny. I think that his heart is broken that she is gone but it would have been broken anyway. Zoe was supposed to get married to Will. Bloody politicians! Harry did his best to save her but couldn't. Harry would do just about anything to save his team and I love that about him._

 _Leave it to me to get kidnapped by a dinner companion. I thought I knew the man but I didn't and ended up tied to a bannister. How could I have been so stupid! And I watched him die for his greed. Thank god for Danny and his rescue. He took me home that afternoon and I had a chance to nap. We had a simple meal and Danny insisted that he stay the night on the sofa. When I started to go upstairs to bed, he casually mentioned that Harry had stopped by to see how I was. Later that night I lay in bed wondering why Harry would do that. Why would he notice or care? It wasn't like I was badly hurt or anything so why? Is this the sign? If the right time presents itself, I might say something to him about it—thank him or something._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N We're heading into AU territory now, including being very free with timelines. New territory for me too so we'll see how this works out. Thank you to all who have stayed with this very slow-paced story and have taken the time to review. I appreciate it very much.**

 _(Ruth) I finally got the nerve to thank Harry for checking after me last week. I didn't want him to see me as weak and when I mentioned that to him, he told me he saw me very far from weak. He explained that he saw me as brilliant and dogged. Relentless I think he said. He asked me to go for a drink after work and I said yes. I mean, how could I look into those hazel eyes of his and say no? He looks at me differently than other men have in the past. I can't put my finger on exactly what I see in his eyes when he looks at me but I like it._

 _We went to a pub not far from my flat (how did he know that there was a pub near my flat?) and had a wonderful couple of hours together. It was a delightful time and Harry began to drop the boss mask just a little. It was so, so nice to have a meaningful conversation with him about something other than work. He walked me home and thanked me for going with him and I was, I was…so happy! He was such a gentleman and asked if I would like to do it again. Do it again? I mumbled something and finally said yes, I would. Needless to say, I had wonderful dreams that night!_

(Harry) Ruth came into my office yesterday to thank me for checking on her wellbeing. I tried to make light of my actions but she was having none of it. She made light of her importance and I would have none of that…what a pair we make; what a pair I'd like for us to make. Anyway, I took a risk and asked her to have a drink with me and she said yes, she would love to have a drink with me. I don't know if I was able to mask my emotions very well but I was so pleased she'd agreed to go with me. I really didn't think she would.

I'd already looked into possible nearby venues when I began to realize that she was more than a colleague so we went to a small pub near where she lived. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and the conversation was very stimulating…none of that chitchat rubbish. I could see her begin to relax a bit as she realized that she could be more herself than at work. She really is beautiful in so many ways. After I walked her home I asked if she'd like to do it again and she mumbled something…I didn't understand what she was saying…but she said yes. Needless to say, I whistled all the way back to my car and went to bed looking forward to dreams of her.

* * *

(Harry) Happiness didn't last long; it never does in this job. Danny was killed yesterday, saving Adam from having to make an impossible choice and giving Fiona a chance to get back to her husband and her son. Danny died a hero and not even his family will know that. Ruth was devastated and heard everything that transpired. God! It was so hard to tell her to shelve her grief for the time being so we could find Fiona and bring her back. Sam was so upset she had to be sedated by medical.

I went around to Ruth's flat at the end of the working day (which happened to conclude at 2 AM) as I wanted to make sure that she was OK. (How can anyone be "OK" after losing a friend and colleague?) Danny was the first to die on the job since Ruth joined us and it was Ruth's first experience of a loss like that. Distressing to say the least. She didn't look surprised when she opened the door and she knew why I had come without me saying a word. Immediately she began to sob. All we could do was stand there and hold and comfort each other. That woman has an enormous loving heart and…I know she's captured mine.

 _(Ruth) Danny is dead! He's dead and I'll never see his cheeky grin or hear his voice again. God! I don't know if I can do this anymore. Danny died a hero and no one else will ever know that, no one else but us—his friends and colleagues. We couldn't even take time out to mourn him because we had to find Fiona and we did that, we did find her. She felt so guilty that she had survived and Danny didn't but I think Danny wanted to give her a chance to get home to her family. He wanted her to be able to go back to Adam and their son. There really can't be anything greater than to give one's life for the love of another. Danny did it for love, I think. He loved others enough not to have Fiona's son grow up without his mother and sacrificed himself for that. I wonder if I would be able to do something like what Danny did. I hope so._

 _I was so grateful that Harry stopped by that evening afterwards. I hated being alone and so distressed. I think Harry understood that and didn't try to make it "better." He just held me when I broke down. I haven't had anyone do that for me since before my father died. Harry doesn't let others see that he has a heart but I do. And I believe that he loves others and loves deeply but is afraid to show it to anyone. I also believe that he has been hurt often in the past. Anyway, I'm glad that he came around offering me comfort and I hope that I can be of some comfort to him too. He is such…_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Please disregard any medical inconsistencies/fantasies.**

(Harry) With the loss of Danny, we need to get our numbers back up as far as field agents go so Zafar Younis has joined the team permanently. Very quick thinking and creative young man with a number of usable skills and he already knows Adam and Fiona from when all three of them were over at Six. I must say that I do not like the way he looks at Ruth. I'm sure any woman would melt at his million-pound smile. But you're not jealous, are you Harry?

 _(Ruth) Zaf is such a good addition to the grid team. He already knows Fiona and Adam and has slid himself into the team without a hiccup. He said that he'd consider staying as long as he had a desk by mine, the flirt. He does have a wonderful smile though…it lights up his entire face. I don't know why Harry glares at him so much though._

 _Harry scared me a bit last week when he said that he was sending me back to GCHQ. For a few minutes I thought he meant he was sending me back for good but he was just sending me to help Adam and I got the chance to go out in the field. Me going out in the field turned out to be not a good thing. Adam and I ended up being found out and had to run for our lives in the woods while being chased by a psychopath/crazy person with a crossbow. I hit the bastard chasing us with a tree branch. When I asked Adam if I should hit him again, he had the cheek to say back to me "Only if you want to, Ruth." It took more than 10 minutes for my heart to stop racing and it wasn't just from the running. I can't really remember being so sure that I was going to die._

(Harry) I actually thought Ruth would be safe going to GCHQ and then checking up on our sleeper agent. Turned out I was wrong and it almost cost both Adam and Ruth their lives. Adam told Ruth to run and if she hadn't circled back to Adam, he would have been killed by Moran. Ruth hit him over the head with a tree branch. She's a desk spook and yet refused to leave Adam on his own, becoming his backup and saving his life. That woman is truly wonderful and I think I'm falling in love with her.

 _(Ruth) Fiona thanked me for saving Adam's life in the field but it really wasn't necessary because I see us all as family here. That's what family members do, don't they? Look out for one another?_

 _(Ruth) Harry looked upset a few days ago so I went into his office and he was reading a printout from the BBC News website. I glanced at it and asked him if he knew the man mentioned in the article and Harry said he did; in fact, had known him for a long time. I did not expect it but when I offered to listen if Harry ever wanted to talk about his friend, he accepted the offer and asked me to go for a drink with him after work that day._

 _Harry continues to surprise me. He opened himself up to me more that night than I ever thought he would and it wasn't because of the alcohol. I think he has started to trust me more and I am so delighted that he has. It has been such a long time since I had a really good friend and I treasure his friendship._

 _He took me home and was with me when we discovered Gary Hicks in my flat. Bloody Gary Hicks. It seemed that Gary saw something he shouldn't have and now was being chased by god-knows-who and because Gary came to my flat, he and I had to go to a safe house until the stalkers were identified. If it hadn't been for a free-lance journalist Adam had met earlier being curious about him, we would all be dead. She used a very creative way to warn us by setting multiple car alarms off. All those gunshots in the dark...so terrifying._

(Harry) God! Ruth was almost killed again! I almost dropped to my knees when Zaf called to tell me about the shooting at the safe house and that Ruth was in hospital but was OK. They were going to keep her overnight. By the time I got to the hospital, Ruth had been checked out and was settled in a room by herself although still unconscious. She would be fine the doctor said but that was all the information I would receive, as I wasn't "family." I couldn't recall being this terrified of losing someone since Graham had meningitis when he was a child. Now I am sure that I love her and she means so much more to me than just a friend or colleague. I needed to stay with her so I sat by the bed and held her hand in mine. I was so pleased when she finally woke up, looked at me and then smiled.

 _(Ruth) I just remembered the noise and the flashes of light until I woke up in hospital with a massive headache and Harry holding my hand. Seemed I didn't duck quite enough and a round grazed the side of my head and knocked me out. Harry was there with me, holding my hand and looking very worried. When I smiled at him, a grin erupted that lit up his entire face and he looked at me with such…love. Could it really be happening? Is he in love with me?_

 _When I asked him why he looked so worried, he (very uncharacteristically) told me that he was scared that he was going to lose me. I was shocked. I mean I know I am very good at my job but I could tell that wasn't what he meant. He was scared he would lose me, Ruth. Now I am sure that I do mean more to him than a friend or colleague but what do I have to offer him really? What does he see in me that he can't find in a plethora of other women-beautiful women? He and I need to talk so we agreed to do just that after this Clive/Gary mess is cleared up._

(Harry) Ruth could have been killed and lost to me forever. It was just luck that she wasn't killed. We talked briefly about that and then agreed that when this case was done and dusted, we'd schedule some time off the grid and talk about our where we want to go with our friendship.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Here is the "the talk" and I sincerely hope that it lives up to people's expectations. A special thank you to r4ven3 and Sparky75 for their comments and taking time to assist a newbie such as myself.**

(Harry) Ruth has agreed to go with me for dinner and also has agreed that we will use the time to begin to get to know one another away from the grid. I am so happy that I'm almost afraid to invest myself in the outcome of our dinner for if it goes badly, I'm not sure that I will be able to risk myself in this way again. There are so many reasons why it is not a good idea for her and I plan on bringing some of them into the discussion so Ruth knows the implications for her. But most of all, I want her to know that I love her and why. She is my reason for getting up in the morning and I want to be better, for her.

I am willing to take my time and not rush her into anything with which she is not comfortable for I can be a very patient man when the result is worth it in the end. She is definitely worth it. If tonight goes well, I hope to have many more dinners together. If tonight goes well, I hope for us to be able to spend time at one another's homes. If tonight goes well, I have so many hopes for us that I can't begin to even voice them in my head.

 _(Ruth) I just had the most wonderful evening with Harry and everything about it was magnificent! When Harry picked me up, the smile on his face could have lit up the night sky. He just looked so, so…happy! And I must admit, seeing him like that made me feel the same. He was a perfect gentleman the entire evening and the only time the smile left his face was when he got serious and started to discuss the challenges in store for me if we pursued having a personal relationship. A flash of apprehension dashed across his features when he began talking about the risk of a relationship with him and he looked as if he was preparing himself for disappointment._

 _There are "challenges" for both of us if we continue to see each other outside of work and I understand that, as does he. I was able to honestly tell him that I had spent many hours at home thinking over the pros and cons of getting romantically involved with him and that I was ready and willing to see where this relationship led us. I am entering this relationship with my eyes open. At that, the relief shown on his face and in his shoulders was palpable. Presently I say, risks be damned. I think that this marvelous, witty, kind, handsome and loving man is who I've been looking for…well, forever and I will do all in my power to be worthy of him._

 **I think that this story has come to a logical stopping point with the just the epilogue to go. Hopefully, that will be up in a few days. Thanks for reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N Please remember that this story is now AU so the canon timeline and storyline are not relevant here and since I placed the time near Christmas, it can double as my Christmas offering. Oh, and this chapter is rated M for some very naughty language.**

 **Epilogue**

 **2 years later….December 22nd**

 _(Ruth) I really can't comprehend that Harry and I have finally reached this stage of our relationship. Tomorrow I am going to marry the man of my dreams and I can hardly wait! (But sometimes he has been so extremely frustrating that he became the man of my nightmares.) It has taken so much emotional energy from both of us to get to this place and I must admit, there were many times when I was ready to walk away because being in a relationship with him was just too hard!_

 _Harry doesn't believe me when I tell him that he is a deeply emotional man and we have argued about it many, many times. He prides himself that he usually is able to control his emotions and I agree to a certain extent; however, when it concerns matters of the heart and those he loves, he feels strongly and is just now beginning to believe me when I tell him that he has been that way as long as I have known him. He has gone to great lengths to re-establish relationships with both of his children recently and I am so happy, not only for him, but Catey and Graham as well. Both of them have very noticeable Harry-like qualities._

 _I am walking into this marriage with full knowledge that it is going to call forth much patience, understanding and love from each of us. The two of us are alike in many ways but so, so different in others. I guess that is why we enjoy each other's company so much and also why we can have these utterly passionate and explosive rows. I've been very close to saying, "Fuck off, Harry Pearce!" many times when he chose to become Boss Harry while we were off the grid and was telling me what I needed to do._

 _We are definitely different…he can be quite spontaneous at times and I rarely am. I know that our colleagues have heard some of our arguments in his office…like the row we had when he moved my things into his home shortly after we became engaged and while I was away at a conference. After three days apart, I went straight to the grid to greet him and he happily shared he'd moved all of my things into his house and we were now living together. I was ready to kill! We hadn't even talked about living together yet! Infuriating, controlling man! The rest of the team scampered out of the office when we started shouting at each other and Harry spent the first week of our 'living together' sleeping on the sofa and groveling. He does do groveling quite well I might add. It was times like that that I could see myself walking away from him._

 _But when I was kidnapped a few months ago and was missing for 3 days, I was told that Harry was visibly shaking when he took the phone call from the kidnappers before he proceeded to clear the top of his desk in a rage. I was never was so happy to see someone in my life when he walked through door when the team rescued me. After being checked out in the Med Bay, Harry took me home…Solicitous Harry is something to behold. He was so mindful of me and anticipated my every need, even knowing when I needed just to be held in silence, surrounded by him and his love._

 _I can hardly wait for tomorrow and I will stake my life on the fact that Harry feels the same way. We are meant to be with each other; life partners and soul mates in every way that there is and I love this wonderfully compassionate, sensitive, courageous, infuriating man with all of my heart._

(Harry) It is Christmas morning and Ruth is still asleep. I cannot believe that this woman—my best friend, my confidant and my lover—is now my wife. My wife! I have to be careful how I say "my" wife. Yesterday she got quite huffy when I said that because she said it sounded like she was my possession. She let me know in no uncertain terms that she was NOT anyone's possession and I could do well to remember that or this would be the shortest-lived marriage in recent memory. After some groveling on my part, I was able to explain to her that I am so happy and proud of finally being able to call her 'my wife' that I may be going somewhat overboard calling her that. I want to shout it to the world!

We have overcome so many things to get here. We both have tempers, we both are passionate, we both have to be right and we both tackle problems from completely different perspectives. I swear that woman can analyse something within an inch of its life. At work that is a gift and has saved all of us too many times to mention. However, when she did it concerning our relationship there were times when I came very close to screaming in frustration. I must admit that there were times when I stormed out of the house and slammed the door I was so angry.

Deep down, I know that I could never leave her and I am trusting that she feels the same about me. She makes me whole and is teaching me that sometimes relating to the world around me requires a different way of being. I don't always have to be the one in charge and the entire outcome of any relationship doesn't depend only on me. This new way of 'relating' has opened up my connection with my children and I am so grateful to my lovely Ruth for helping me to see them differently.

It is our first Christmas together as man and wife and I plan on spending the rest of our marriage trying to be the man she sees me as being. She is my Christmas gift and I couldn't have a better one…this lovely woman, who has chosen me to be her husband and partner for the rest of our lives, is the reason I get up in the morning. She is my reason for living and I love her with all of my heart and I will do so forever. I only hope that I can be worthy of her love.

Uh-oh, I can hear her getting up. Time to get breakfast going for my wife…my lovely wife.

 **End**

 **A/N Thank you to everyone who has read this story and especially to those who have taken the time to review it. It has been a good learning experience that I hope to repeat sometime in the future. However, because story ideas seem to come to me at the rate of a moving glacier, it may be some time before I post anything. Have a Happy Christmas.**


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